How To Write a Terrible, No Good, Rubbish CV

Or a Resume That's Mad, Bad and Dangerous to Send

Where bad CVs go when they die - Photo by Christa Dodoo on Unsplash

You may be sick of all the job interviews you keep getting, you’re just so overwhelmed with success that you need to slow down. These tips will help you write the worst CV, to avoid ever getting a job.

Random or Irrelevant Skills

Lots of people (my past-self included) think that your CV is just a report on who you are and what you’ve done in your life. This is true to an extent, but you also need to be very selective about what you present. My friend

Mandy Liu

, says you only get 15 seconds to catch their attention, so you need to make sure they know you went to clown school if you want your CV to suck.

This is where if you are going for a .Net role, you talk all about your skills in Python, that way they know you don’t have the expertise in the languages they’re looking for. Technically, a good developer can learn any language in a reasonable amount of time, but don’t tell them that.

Make sure any points you do make, don’t address the primary duties listed on their job description, it would be awful news, if they thought you had the skills to do what they need.

Not Selling Yourself

You clearly don’t want this job, so make sure to not mention your most impressive achievements, make sure they have no idea the impact you made on your team and company and whatever you do, don’t sound like you generate profits, companies love profits.

Here’s the part where you put dull, inane stuff like “worked on an API”, what the hell is working on an API? Does it improve efficiencies? Hell if the hiring manager knows.

No Stats

Statistics make it clear the value you bring. Hiring Managers will love to hear that you increased sales by 10% or decreased inefficiencies by 15%, because numbers are so easy to understand.

So throw them all out.

Hide Your Skills

Employers who are hiring a Python developer with skills in SQL and back-end development will want to know you have those exact skills. So to avoid getting their attention, vaguely scatter your skills throughout your CV. No comprehensive list of skills that’s easy to parse, that will only make them want to hire you.

Don’t Present Information Clearly

CV readers don’t have a lot of time and in this market (Summer 2024 for future readers) they have tons of CVs to get through, if you make your CV easy to read, you’re making sure they can understand you quickly and easily, which is of course terrible news.

Never Add Keywords

If they are looking for a SQL developer with experience in ADF, SASS, SSIS and performance tuning, you just found a goldmine of things to leave off your terrible CV. Keywords make it easier for them to search for candidates and screen out ones they don’t want, so avoid these like the plague and get screened-out baby.

Inaction, Taskless, No Results

Expert job application coach

Kareem Abukhadra

, would tell you that to get interviews you should:

• Action Verb: Start with a strong action verb that conveys what you did.

• Task: Describe the task or project you were involved in.

• Result: Highlight the result or impact of your work.

• Metrics: Whenever possible, include quantifiable results to demonstrate your achievements.

So it’s best to crap up your CV, by not mentioning a strong action, avoid mentioning the task or be super vague about what you did, make sure the results are hidden or obfuscated and never quantify the achievement.

Lie

This one is for the pros, getting caught lying is a fantastic way to not get hired, in fact it can get you permanently banned for applying to some places, so this is a hardcore solution, only do this if you really love being unemployed.

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